since everyone else is bitchin about chics...
 

Yeah, so I am, well, hitched. My girl, she is really bothering me. We have been together for 2 years now, and well, it seems nothing is normal anymore. We pretty much got married because we were having a long distance relationship,(phone) Im in the military and we could be together if we were married. (when your married in the military you get extra money for housing and food and stuff) She could even continue school out here. We have lived together for a year and a half now and shes droped out of school, and just working the 9-5 job. THen I relized that she has a shitload of debt in her name. So that sucks, and we cant pay for it. She has no goals, we never have sex (it used to be we could never get enough before we got married). I know she isn't cheatin on me cause I meet her all the time for lunch at work, and we are together when she isnt at work. --yeah we are only 22, but I think about it all of the time, and I think I could have so much more if we werent married.--am I being selfish? Does this happen to everyone that gets married at first? I cant even imagine where we will be in 5 years. --and that scares me. What do you guys think(you married people) --and we have no kids. thank god.

Re:since everyone else is bitchin about chics...
 

murder her and burry her in IRAC.

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spenser shut up. no i like to help you out with that but i can't really speak from experience. your going to have to ask projekteg or stealthmode for that im sure they been through that once or another. I know teg has :P

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the first 2 years is the hardest for most people so they say......but its kinda true in my point of view....i was so used to kicken it with my freinds and going to the illegal races but it all changed when i got married......just go on a vacation with her and its all good after that...

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From my experience of being in a family full of divorces and problems.. Tell her whats been bothering you, and if you need to, go to counseling and try to have her come as well. She sounds like she might be suffering from depression. (Quitting job, not having sex with you, and the fact that you're in the military may worry her). Of course, I don't have a PhD so don't take my words set in stone.

For now, talk to her about the problem and try and see if you can resolve the problem. If not, I would say go to a counselor that specializes in married couples.

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my biggest peoblem, were always broke, then collectors call and ----.-she wont let me handle the money. Shes always going out to eat and ----, then when i do try to do something, she gets pissed. i have less than a year in the Marines, and it will be time to get another house, and move on. --we will be screwed. she hasnt paid her bills since like last oct! she never wants time to us, its always lets go out with this person or that person. this all really takes my feelings away from her. no sex, no money, no turbos....
maybe I expect to much. thats what everyone else tells me. but all I expect is that we have a healthy relationship.
aka, bills up to date, sex, time for ourselves...turbos....LOL

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thanks, i may go do that...
and she knows that im upset.

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There's some non-profit organizations who will take care of the bill collectors for you. I'm not sure of any names, but look around and you can find them. They will call the bill collectors and get a low monthly payment plan for you.

With the going out to eat, I would explain to her that with you being in debt that she can't do that anymore. If she's using credit, cancel them. She can't be wasting money if you don't have much to begin with.

Expecting a healthy relationship isn't "expecting too much" as people have been telling you. Sometimes when a woman stops having sex, she's beginning to feel very insecure about herself. Maybe she's gained a few pounds or thinks herself as unattractive. Once again, she might be depressed.

As I said before, try and talk to her. If it doesnt help.. I would go to the counseling. I know I'm pressing the counseling issue a lot, but everyone I've seen go to one ended up coming out much better than if they had not. Even if she refuses to go, just going by yourself might be good for you as well.

Hope this helps you a little bit.

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I think you and your lady needs to have a nice talk. I'm wondering if she knows that you feel this way. Chances are that she is probably feeling the same way you are--a bit overwhelmed and not knowing how to deal with it. You might ask her what she thinks and how she feels about things. Girls tend to "feel" and know whats going on more than guys (usually unless we got lots of pussies in here).

I just wish you guys the best and hope you last. First couple years are the hardest... Take it slow and one day at a time. Its not the arguements that kill a relationship, its how you argue that does. Or according to spenser's upsidedown and twisted philosophy, he is his own demise.

Again, good luck buddy...

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Dam, you hit it right on the head. Talking, It never works. it works for about 2-3 days then....
the weight, yeah she is insecure, and she gained some weight when I went to Iraq. Now she thinks she needs to buy new clothes, spend more money. I tried to run her ass, nothing like what Marines do, but I tried to help her lose weight, it never works when she goes out to eat all of the time. I think im gonna try the nice approach....see what happens. She does know the way I feel. She seems like she doesnt really care though. If things dont change by Dec time, (thats 6 months) I think I will change things...

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Take it slow, dont make it seem like its her fault, try to "EMPOWER" her (meaning give her ideas but dont make her do it... "SUGGEST"), try not to blame stuff on her, be nice real nice... Make lil comments like "you were so sexy in when you wore that skirt" -- its hinting that she needs to lose some weight or shes up the creek... she'll get the point eventually and will try to think on her own. Gotta use "Positive Reinforcement".... damn I feel like I'm a shrink already...

Good luck...

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Consumer Credit Consuling is probably what you are thinking of. My roommate had that meeting. First thing they do is cut every one of your cards up...then they take care of the bills/creditors....and help settle many of the debts and resetle on smaller interest rates, to help deflate the principle on your cards. VERY VERY USEFULL.

Bottom line is every woman has problems no marrage is ever perfect. She does ---- that bugs you and you will do ---- that bugs her, its all on how you choose to deal with it. Just dont dwell on everyting that is bad. Its real easy to look at a person and pick out every bad thing about her (had a 2 year relationship like that). In the end your heart will follow your mouth.

However these financial troubles need to be dealt with, or the harsh realities of credit scores will shoot you down as you exit the service and try to start your life. You need to deal with this, cut up all the cards, and start eating top ramen. Go to the CCC consoler with your wife...basically you need to show her you guys are at rock bottom on finance (even if you really arent).

Dealing with big ass problems like credit are depressing and your girl seems to be taking a typical denial response...however dealing with them provides a way out and will ultimatly help in rebuilding your lives

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Sac up and start drinking. Honesty will follow...

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sell drugs, tell her to start selling drugs

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That sucks that the BS is hitting you. Suprised to see some solid advice from other people. Granted I'm not married, and my relationships don't last all that long (I blame the girls I find, always problems with them) but you need to seek some counseling.

You were a bit young to get married, so backing out of it might not be such a bad thing, but try to see if you can recoupe the marriage first. For the debt, find a lawyer to figure out where you stand, you might be able to get free consoltation since you are in the armed forces.

I do have a close friend who used to be a party animal like me and decided to settle down and rush marriage, I've pretty much been the only one who he can talk to like a real friend anymore, since I know him from the way he used to be, and he reflects on my life as something he misses.

First off, he met a country girl from his hometown, simple girl, just rushed the marriage thing. He was unsure about it at first, the whole adjustment thing took some time. They both were working, sex was good. Then the baby thing started, had their first one, he straightened up for an entire year after his kid was born. He would call me late at night on road trips (work related) and we would talk for an hour many times a week. It was sad knowing him for that year, he was living the clean life, never swore and listened only to gospel music (more like a shell of the person I used to know). Now they are on their 2nd kid and he has turned into the person he used to be, lazy unmotivated alcoholic prick (yep, my friend). He now likes to call me and talk for a few hours and get drunk on the phone (we live a few states away) and his wife will get pissed at him. The moral of the story is they have adjusted to the married life, he does what he wants to do, she does what she wants to do. He doesn't even have sex with her anymore, he's too lazy.

About the closest thing I know to marriage, hope the story helps.

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THanks for the advice...
I am gonna get ahold of that CCC. I cant stand the way we live. All the credit dickheads that call...
I have nothing bad on my credit, its all her, and it hurts US?! I am gonna talk to her, and see what is going on cause this ---- cant go on to much longer or Im gonna go ape ----. (I would never hit her if thats what you guys are thinkin) Thanks

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So she fucked her credit before marriage? Well you might be able to get out of this one alive.

One more thing, I never trust navy wives. Seen too many girls that go out to play when the husbands are out to sea.

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Ohh yeah. Military wives.....thats another subject.
My wife isnt the typical miltary wife. your thinkin of like contract marrages and ----...
Your thinkin of the hoes.
I can honestly say my wife isnt one. And yes, she did have the credit problems before we got married. damit@!$%^$%^$%^#

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heh im not questioning your sexuality or anything but uhh getting drunk by yourself while talking to another guy on the phone? ehh...

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lol ScottSi. :P

Hope all the good advice (for once on this site) has helped ya man.

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I can't really speak from a marriage's point of view, but i'm engaged and have been with my fiance for over 6 years now. When we first started dating, things were all hot and heavy, like they always are. But after we hit around two years, things started slowin down also. Pretty much the same things as you...cept for the in debt part. Shw said that she had some doubts and whatever else, but i didn't pressure her at all, i just let her come around on her own. Things kinda picked back up after that...and trust me...those months were hell, but everything worked out all right. Just make sure you guys have communication. It's the key to a succesful marriage (or so i've been told ;D) Talk to her about what's goin on and see what her side of the story is too. Don't just walk away from it all, especially if you really love her. That's pretty much my 2 cents worth. Hope it helps!

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funny this post is up right now, damn bro, ur being a little timid on this one. Im feeling way to bad for u at this moment because ive sorta gone through this ----, only without the marriage. Girls/Guys get very weird just randomnly after some ---- happens.. When did u notice ---- start going wrong? Whether shes cheating on u or not, honestly speaking, not having sex when ur married is very unhealthy man.. What gives? Anyways your definately not asking to much and u should be concerned about ur $ and her debt, cuz u married into it. Congrats its ur debt to. Lastly u need to grab her by the hand and sit her down for a few hours and have a major talk, if she doesnt want the talk or doesnt want to change after the talk, i really dont know what to tell u except the most obvious thing, Get urself out of that unhealthy relationship, ur gonna grow old and sad and be the woman of the house.
Trade her in for a crx or something

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No man, he normally gets drunk.. just cause he has zero outside contact because of his work hours and life. I typically just drink by myself, like any normal alcoholic. I'm quite secure in my hetrosexuality, we have ran trains on girls way back in the day, but that's about the limit of it. He is a close friend of mine, but it's nothing like what you think.


oh, and Sccag;
yeah, you don't keep that ---- up and lose your grip and you're fucked. Let it keep sliding and the ---- will only get worse.

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Thanks guys. I tried to say something last night to her, and she just changed the subject and waled away. Ive tried to say something to her many times. She never just wants to admit it. (the first step) Ive told her I would get another job to get her out of debt, and she doesnt want me to do that. I tried to tell her, Our paychecks arent cutting it, so some more money needs to be made somewhere. I am just gonna tell her tonite, look if we dont make a dent in her debt by the fall, the divorce papers are comming...
now its getting down to we have less than a year in the military and its time to buy a house and stuff, and Im not buying a house with her if this is the way shes going to be....

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sccaeg -

you are pulling out the big guns huh? You might want to be gentle and VERY picky with the words you choose. I wouldn't necessarily use the word "divorce". I'd say something alone the lines of "if we dont shape up blah blah blah, I dont know how we are going to work or have a family or buy a house." That is less direct and less of a in your face approach that still gets the point across...

Dude, I really I hope things work out for the best buddy... Keep us updated with the wifey

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Re:since everyone else is bitchin about chics...
 

THanks so much everyone for the advice.
Like I said, I am going to talk to her. I bring all of this up on here, because Im sure someone else will have the same problem...
Im just gonna talk to her, let her know everything, and tell her that if things dont change, money, us being responsible, us growing up...bla bla bla...and I will use words like..should we and what do you think, and use my old car salesman tricks (ask yes anwser questions). I dont really see anything bad Im doing, I try in so many ways, and her mom even agrees with me...
Im not going to try to get her to say the D word, but...im not going to avoid it either. we will see...
thanks again

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don't forget to demand the sex part. You are married ya know.

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Personally IMO, leave her... if she can't handle money and she's in major debt.. leave her or MAKE her manage her money, my friends cousin is married and they are in soooooooo much debt its not even funny cuz they can't handle money at all.. they don't pay bills on time and ----.. they can't even take out a loan for a car anymore cuz they didn't pay the car payments for like 3 months +.

sorry, i know its hard and all but you should really think things through in the long run..

*UPDATE* since everyone else is bitchin about chics...
 

Everyone wanted an update....

I havent really said much to her in terms on what if....
I have just tried to help out as much as I can. Its not working....anyways
Shes always asking why Im on HMT all the dam time.(maybe an hour at night) Well the other day I come home from work, and she askes what my screen name is on here. SO i told her, and then she says, why did you bitch to them about our problems...(she found this post) I was like ohhhh lord here we go.
To make a long story short, I told her that I loved her, and I didnt want anything to happen to us, but she shows me in alot of ways that we wouldnt work, and she is becomming very irresponsible. I showed her on paper, our income to debt ratio and that we are ok with money, we have extra money to buy ---- after we pay for everything, even her debts! I was amazed. then she says, I do pay them, so shes lieing. I was like look, these fuckers call here every night lookin for money from you. Then I said, we are in no way stable enough to buy a home in the next year with her irresponsibly. I told her that if she didnt change he ways that things would change for us....
So we will see where that goes.

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That's kinda a good thing that she found the post. I'm sure she will be spying on your ass now (we should keep all the girl posters from not hitting on you dude). Anyways, it's out in the open now. Hit her up for some sex while you are at it. Keep us updated.

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Yeah, she knows I have the Porn threads to. Its great. Makes her feel like ----. She knows I like porn though...(its just a fad)

Im not hiding anything from her on here. I am 99.9% honest with her. that .1% is usally about me racing on the streets ;D ;D

story--I almost got a ticket because I was racing a WRX and the cop came up behind us, I was in front of the WRX(and my light to the plate is out ;D ) the cop turned on his lights, the WRX pulls over right away, and I took off on an exit ramp. Thank god.....
''no more street racing''

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wow...an insightful and useful relationship post on hmt... the world IS ending...

my bet is this mountain of debt has something to do with making the relationship feel weird, look into taking care of that asap.

I've found that debt only goes two ways, you either get out of debt or further into it. Once action is taken to remedy this (I've felt helpless in debt before) things start to look up and you can start planning for the future again. But if you're deep in debt, what's the point in making plans if you know they will almost never happen while you've got this monkey on your back, you know?

Make a "plan" to get out of debt with her, this will help you both towards your goals as well as help with making future goals easier to accomplish.

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I just dont know what to do. Stay with a chic that is going no where or live my own life which would seem to be ok with out her in it?
Live life like the drunks do, one day at a time--Homer Simpson

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At least try and fix things up with her. She is worth a try to stay with her. You haven't tried all the way yet. Some girls aren't worth letting go, even if they do have one or two problems - they all have one or two problems.

Just lay it all on the table, tell her conditions, compromizes, the truth. Get a feeling of what direction you have to go then prepare for whatever. First step to solving a problem is admitting you have one - Alcoholics Anonymous

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I have pretty much done all of that. I told her we would give it till the end of the year....
one day at a time....

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Good luck man.. Hope it works out for ya :-\

Best of wishes.

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not to be harsh man; but tell her to put up or shut up. she will probably continue to railroad you as long as you let her.

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Very true, if you dont like it, dont let her get her way or youll just keep getting owned. Also why would you get a divorce over money and stuff like that... its not like you guys are in a completely loveless marriage and cheat on eachother all the time

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Hey man, first off i just want u to know that i am only posting in ur thread again because ive been in ur shoes, i really want to help ur ass cuz i know ur feeling like ----. Straight out man, sometimes chicks have phases for a few weeks and act weird and say some stupid things, but this girl is messing with u emotionally, financially and physically (no sex) You cant get much worse then that, and shes not even trying to change or willing to give it a chance for her to change it appears. So i think you have to come correct with her and get as honest and sincere as possible, and just have one last deep talk, even if you have to tie her ass up and tape her mouth up to listen. Shes probably a good girl, thats why u love her and all, so just do what u have to do man and find out once and for all her decision.. Not u talking and telling her well go one day at a time, see what steps she wants to take and make her stick to em.
Sorry for the long ass post, pm me if i can help u in any other way or if u need some clarification