How to poop at work
Some one sent me this through email. I thought it might give a few of you a laugh the next time your at work...
USEFUL INSTRUCTIONS: HOW TO POOP AT WORK As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught in the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. |
Re:How to poop at work
Hah, that was pretty funny..
I'm a SAFE HAVENS CLOSET POOPER |
Re:How to poop at work
Indeed... i hate them damn turd burglars...IF THE DAMN DOOR AINT OPEN DONT COME IT!
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Re:How to poop at work
Try going in a port-o pottie that hasent been cleaned in six days(they clean them every 7 days) :'( :-X
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Re:How to poop at work
Originally Posted by d16z64life
Try going in a port-o pottie that hasent been cleaned in six days(they clean them every 7 days) :'( :-X
I use several techniques listed above. I am an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER and I use the crop dusting style. I also use the CAMO-COUGH and the ASTAIRE to avoid a TURD BURGLAR. I know d16z64life uses the same style. It comes with the territory. :-\ __________________ Best Car Insurance | Auto Protection Today | FREE Trade-In Quote |
Re:How to poop at work
^ ^ ^ ^ RIGHT!! :-\ |
Re:How to poop at work
Fly By, Safe Haven pooper here! hahaha
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Re:How to poop at work
The only time I ever ---- at work just happened to be one summer I was doing drywall so I was forced to use the porta john. I ---- and was out of there before my crap even hit the bottom of the toilet. That was the quickest ---- I have ever taken in my life and I normally take pretty long dumps.
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Re:How to poop at work
LOL. I work with my friend and his brother (their dad's company)and we paint the interiors of usually rich ass people's houses. The people are never there when we work. There's nothing better than bombing a yuppie's bathroom. It's great. ;D
In public bathrooms, it seems like I always go in there to take a wee wee and the dude in the stall always comes out when Im in there. Like every fucken time. Dude, wait a couple of seconds for me to leave before you come out of the do do zone. I don't want to see your face and associate you with the aroma. >:( |
Re:How to poop at work
Word, half the time the guy comes out, and the other half, I can just sense his pain of holding it until the bathroom is his again. I always feel bad when that happens, since just as I leave, another guy walks in, so he is forced to wait even longer.
I generally go for the fly by, at my office, there is a Mens bathroom with a single-serve (handicap) bathroom right next door. In need, I used the single serve, but then I feel really awkward leaving, cuz it's real obvious, and then I feel bad for whoever is next... lol....rofl.... Jung |
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