How to poop at work
 

Some one sent me this through email. I thought it might give a few of you a laugh the next time your at work...


USEFUL INSTRUCTIONS:
HOW TO POOP AT WORK

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival
guide for taking a dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught in the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well
as the other bathroom attendees.

Re:How to poop at work
 

Hah, that was pretty funny..

I'm a SAFE HAVENS CLOSET POOPER

Re:How to poop at work
 

Indeed... i hate them damn turd burglars...IF THE DAMN DOOR AINT OPEN DONT COME IT!

Re:How to poop at work
 

Try going in a port-o pottie that hasent been cleaned in six days(they clean them every 7 days) :'( :-X

Re:How to poop at work
 

They clean them that often out there? :-X

I use several techniques listed above. I am an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER and I use the crop dusting style. I also use the CAMO-COUGH and the ASTAIRE to avoid a TURD BURGLAR. I know d16z64life uses the same style. It comes with the territory. :-\
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Re:How to poop at work
 

^ ^ ^ ^

RIGHT!! :-\

Re:How to poop at work
 

Fly By, Safe Haven pooper here! hahaha

Re:How to poop at work
 

The only time I ever ---- at work just happened to be one summer I was doing drywall so I was forced to use the porta john. I ---- and was out of there before my crap even hit the bottom of the toilet. That was the quickest ---- I have ever taken in my life and I normally take pretty long dumps.

Re:How to poop at work
 

LOL. I work with my friend and his brother (their dad's company)and we paint the interiors of usually rich ass people's houses. The people are never there when we work. There's nothing better than bombing a yuppie's bathroom. It's great. ;D

In public bathrooms, it seems like I always go in there to take a wee wee and the dude in the stall always comes out when Im in there. Like every fucken time. Dude, wait a couple of seconds for me to leave before you come out of the do do zone. I don't want to see your face and associate you with the aroma. >:(

Re:How to poop at work
 

Word, half the time the guy comes out, and the other half, I can just sense his pain of holding it until the bathroom is his again. I always feel bad when that happens, since just as I leave, another guy walks in, so he is forced to wait even longer.

I generally go for the fly by, at my office, there is a Mens bathroom with a single-serve (handicap) bathroom right next door. In need, I used the single serve, but then I feel really awkward leaving, cuz it's real obvious, and then I feel bad for whoever is next... lol....rofl....

Jung

Re:How to poop at work
 

So this one time I was at Western and I needed to ----. There were no apparent safety zones until I thought of the top floor of the reserves in the library. By the time I got out of class it had become imperative that I ---- as soon as possible. It was gonna be loud and fierce, I could tell. When I got to the shitter, people were waiting for an elevator to come up from the bottom floor of a seven-story building. The elevator was right across from the can so I gave them ample time to leave before I got ready to explode. There was a ding and they were gone. But a new evil had arrived. Someone grabbed the door handle (there was only one handle as this was a one-holer) and shook it something crazy. I had interrupted someone else's plan for a safe haven dump. I tried everything but they wouldn't leave. Over fifteen minutes went by of trynig to slowly work out a turd and cover up the powerful escapees. Eventually, I let go. I rumbled that ------- building seven ways from Sunday. When I opened the bathroom door and saw that sonofabitch standing there, I gave him the look of murder. I tried to act sick so he could easily ignore what had happened, but he wouldn't. He said something like "Jesus ------- Christ, man!! What the hell..." and I left. Karma will dish him up some evil one of these days, man.

Re:How to poop at work
 

I remeber a while back. I was at some stupid store, and out of no where i had to ---- more then ever. so i goto the bathroom and no one was in there so i just layed it all down! went to get toilet paper and there was none!! so i run our really quick for some paper towels, and theres NONE! so thinking quickly and panicking at the same time i saw a poster on the wall. And thats what i had to use :( that was a horrible time.

Re:How to poop at work
 

OMG!! Those were two of the funniest stories I have ever heard!! Hahahaha!! ;D :D :)
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Re:How to poop at work
 

Hahahaha, all week I've been reading some of these stories you guy's posted and it busts me up every time!! :-X

Re:How to poop at work
 

Well, ---- check this out. This happened at the TEXACO gas station on 320th st kind of going down into Peasly canyon in Federal Way couple of years ago. This was pretty imbarrasing by the way... One day i am driving around and all of a sudden I had to take a ---- of my life :-X :-[, so i rushed to a nearest gas station, ran into the bathroom locked the door behind and just let loose :-X, and i am telling you that was some BAD diarrhea, and half way through some dude started to bang on the door, so i replyed leting him know that the bathroom was occupied. Even though the fan was on the stench was so bad that i thought i should wait a minute before i came out, maybe that person would get tierd of waiting and would leave so a minute later i came out and this black dude is standing out there waiting to do his thing, and the stench was still bad :-X so i practicaly ran out the gas station to avoid the imbarasement, and i just bounced.
(It stunk so bad that i bet after that day that black dude would never think the same about white people) HA HA ;D

Re:How to poop at work
 

I have a simmilar storry to shaved civics.

This was like 8 years ago back when my brother and I were wiring Track Homes.There was this guy that was a ------- dick(allways blameing his mistakes on others).This guy would allways hit the port-o-pottie like clock work at 1:30.So one day my brother pulld the T.P out just before this guy ran in.It was durring Calli. winter(65 degrees)and he was wearing a sweater when he ran in.When he came out He was missing half a sleve.Hahahah!That was some funny ----.Looked like he had gotten mauled by a lion.

Re:How to poop at work
 

That was my place of peace at Western too! What a crackup, that was like 15 years ago.

Re:How to poop at work
 

just to add one to the mix ....as it were - I know it's long but worth it..if you are sick like i am ;D

I couldn't paste it(too long!) so go here to read it

http://shtick.org/Misc/ryans.htm

Re:How to poop at work
 

Well i got a good one.
last summer i was doing some painting on a commercial building with a crew of 8. The contractor had not rented porta johns for us, and we had no place to go, soooo..... one of the guys had to doo doo in one of the gallon cans, hammered the lid on and put it in back of the van. :o Did i mention it was over 100 degrees. lol and we all know what hot doo doo does. haha well it took about 2 hrs but it exploded blowin crap all over his van on the way home... haha serves him right for not rentin us a port a john!!

Re: How to poop at work
 

wow this thead brings back memories!

Re: How to poop at work
 

One time i was at Mcdonalds and i had to take the kids to the pool and i didnt relize there was no tp untill i was done so i had to use my socks it sucked but i laugh about it now

Re: How to poop at work
 

Socks? Real men sacrifice sleeves, son.


http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/1173/fishing9ww8.jpg

Re: How to poop at work
 

your life needs to be sacrificed for resurrecting a 5 year old thread. some of the names here dont even bother coming to hmt any more. its like a painful memory.

Re: How to poop at work
 

He didn't, moron.

Re: How to poop at work
 

Colin, it wasn't him, it was hatchboy. My next wifes future ex husband. O0

Re: How to poop at work
 

lol stevemode. i told you im down for the switch!
and kain. ---- off mmmk? cherish the memories for they have all changed.

Re: How to poop at work
 

Hatchy, you are a O0. How've you been man

Re: How to poop at work
 

in the words of this fat kid that i worked with "i love pooping at work i get paid to do something im good at" :S

but klnowing that im getting paid to poop makes it all the better (plus i only have a 1 person bathroom) but the worst part aboutwork poop is when you know the girls your working with just drop the kids off at the pool :3 sno goo

Re: How to poop at work
 

LOL this thread is awsome! But what the ---- hatchboy were you searching to found this thread??? ???

Re: How to poop at work
 

pm julio about some of his sharting stories. that was good times.

Re: How to poop at work
 

good buddy how have you been?>

yea julio's sharting story's were funny as hell as well.

Re: How to poop at work
 

thats ------- great....hahaha....im printing that and putting it up in my shop bathroom

Re: How to poop at work
 

u gotta try the sani seat...especially if you work in a public place like me...this prevents ass diseases:
1. Spray w/disinfectant...wd-40 and lighter works well as substitute
2. wipe seat down exstensively with 4 ft of tp
3. pull 4 more ft of tp and divide into 6" lengths
4. make a 4" layer of tp (from ass to seat) to prevent any surviving bugs/jumpers from burrowing into chode/gooch
5. poop at will

ass disease free for 1 year at this towing company with some dirty mf's (knock on wood)

Re: How to poop at work
 

i love the work dump. i spend a good hour a week shitting and getting paid for it

Re: How to poop at work
 

only an hour?
i sometimes don't ---- before i leave for work just so i can punch in and get paid to do it. probably ~3 hours a week

Re: How to poop at work
 

Since it's resurrected I'll add to the list of stories:

So I was mowing grass with the guy I work for (we were both mowing with 2 tractors) in the summer on the John Deere 4610. All of the sudden, I have to ----, BIG TIME. where am I mowing anyway? oh probably the farthest spot away from the house, like 5-600 yards. So I shut the tractor off, get off and run the gaunlet, balls out across the field to the house trying to hold the overwhelming urge to ----. Doesn't sound like much but you try and do it. I make it in the door, and doesn't a prairie dog slip out. I'm like ----! I ---- myself!

So I get in the bathroom, and DESTROY the toilet. I mean I fucked it up. Of course it was one of those weak ----- toilets that don't flush worth a ----. and after I'm done wiping the huge mess and using half a roll of TP, the thick ---- of course, The toilet is plugged BIG TIME. I don't know where his wife was the whole time but I'm glad she wasn't around. Then while I'm plunging the toilet trying to force the monstrosity down the drain, I hear the owner out side calling my name. I look at the seat, which was one of the cushioned ones, and I got some ---- on it. So I clean up the toilet and I ENDED UP STAINING THE SEAT CUSHION. I tried comet, everything that was under the sink and I left a mark on the toilet. Eventually I had to do the walk of shame, knowing I just WRECKED his bathroom (luckily not his main one, this guys house is huge).

Probably the most embarrassing day of my life thus far.

Cliff notes: Mowing grass, had to ----, ran across field, sharted, WRECKED bathroom, walk of shame.

Re: How to poop at work
 

pretty good laugh. well, im on the opposite end of this scale, i dont care. ill usually take a crap as soon as i clock in or right after i take my break. i intentionally ---- when im on the clock so i get paid for it. not only that, i use my managers bathroom so she gets the linger of my aroma....the fan is rarely turned on.
i dont know, it used to bother me shitting at work, but i just got over it.

Re: How to poop at work
 

not me but pretty funny
well i am a driver for a delivery/courier company and one night i was working i stopped at this gas station (quik trip) and i went in and took a piss and right as i walk into the bathroom i was overcome with that smell of arid feces. i walk over the the shitter and there was ------- ---- everywhere, almost like they did some tub girl ---- in there. i mean there had to be like 3 people dropping monster loafs and then ------ing it on the walls/floor, and the toilet was just ------- full of liquid ---- just pouring over the sides.
i actually had to stop and look at it for a min becuase it must have took some work to pull that stunt off. i go out and buy a gatorade and im talking to the girl at the counter and i was like "do you know what happened in the mens bathroom?'' she said no, whats wrong. i told her it would be in here best interest to ignore it until the next shift. so walks back there and opens the door and screams. that was the worst mess i have ever seen.
told my boss and he said his wife is a counselor at a school and said playing with your ---- is a sign of sexual abuse.

Re: How to poop at work
 

http://www.sepiamutiny.com/sepia/JulianMadagascar.jpg

"Who wipes?"
;D

Re: How to poop at work
 

wow, im a sharting legend....what number am i at??? 3?????????