Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
05-29-2006, 09:53 PM
#21
1.0 BAR
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 319
Re: Funny Joke Thread - **** Your Pants
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
05-29-2006, 10:01 PM
#22
1.0 BAR
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 319
Re: Funny Joke Thread - **** Your Pants
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why is a blonde like a door ****?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
A: Nothing. They've never met.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why is a blonde like a door ****?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
05-29-2006, 10:03 PM
#23
1.0 BAR
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 319
Re: Funny Joke Thread - **** Your Pants
>After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is alive," Osama
>himself decides to write George W. a letter in his own handwriting just
>to let him know he is still around.
> >
> >Bush opened the letter and it appeared to be a coded message:
>370HSSV-0773H.
> >
> >Bush was baffled so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell.
> >
> >Colin and his aides had no clue either so they forwarded it to the FBI.
>They couldn't solve it so they sent it on to the CIA.
> >
> >With no more clue to it's meaning the CIA finally sent it to the RCMP
>for their help.
> >
> >The RCMP cabled the following message to the White House.
> >
> >"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."
>himself decides to write George W. a letter in his own handwriting just
>to let him know he is still around.
> >
> >Bush opened the letter and it appeared to be a coded message:
>370HSSV-0773H.
> >
> >Bush was baffled so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell.
> >
> >Colin and his aides had no clue either so they forwarded it to the FBI.
>They couldn't solve it so they sent it on to the CIA.
> >
> >With no more clue to it's meaning the CIA finally sent it to the RCMP
>for their help.
> >
> >The RCMP cabled the following message to the White House.
> >
> >"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."
05-30-2006, 03:20 AM
#26
3.0 BAR
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 9,203
Re: Funny Joke Thread - **** Your Pants
Originally Posted by bitchasscracker
sure can wilma
dude i know i'm black i dont need you to tell me im a ------ i know i am
I got a joke.... what do you call a black priest?
Holy ----.
lol an oldie just still gets me rolling. Heaven, ---- heaven it's over rated. I'll take umpa lumpa anyday.
05-30-2006, 06:46 AM
#28
3.0 BAR
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 9,089
Re: Funny Joke Thread - **** Your Pants
Second Opinion
The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your ********* to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the *********."
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Bill admired himself lf in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your ********* up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion -PRICELESS
The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your ********* to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the *********."
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Bill admired himself lf in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your ********* up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion -PRICELESS
05-30-2006, 09:55 AM
#30
0.0 BAR
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 15
Re: Funny Joke Thread - **** Your Pants
Originally Posted by Perfek360
what did one tampon say to the other?
nothing, their both stuck up *****
nothing, their both stuck up *****
So the crabs can bungee jump!
What do you call three dumb blonds standing side-by-side?
A natural wind tunnel.
Anyone ever hear of a dumb Polish blond striper?
She comes out on stage naked and puts her clothes on and hands out money.
How about a Polish hit-man he gets paid to go out whack himself.
How about Poland's new car company and their new flagship car called the Rolls Canhardly?
It rolls down one hill and can hardly get up the next one.
