Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

My girl just told me this joke and I dont know if its the Absolute laughing or me but I thought it was hilarious

What did the banana say to the vibrator
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Why u shakin -----, shes gonna ------- eat me!!


haha I dunno, made me ------- laugh

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

how do you make a five year old cry twice.......................

wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear :-X

I know its a terrible joke but it was snuck up on me at work................but it still is kinda funny :6

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

Your probably going to hell for that joke.

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

No, the father said the lord would forgive me...only if..............nevermind...............I SAID I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT NOW SHUT UP!!!

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?





















































The girl in my ------- trunk!

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

why were there only 10,000 mexicans :8 at the alamo?












they could only get two cars.....lol

i laughed for a good month on that one...---- i still think it's funny

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball
off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats
everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball
and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your
monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue
ball he makes sure everything fits!"

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

very close to gay porn ban

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

whats worse than finding a worm in your apple ?

















the holocaust

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

the sign in Random-strike's driveway..


http://www.boners.com/content/796335.1.jpg

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

What do u call a bunch of white ppl pushing a car up a hill?

WHITE POWER

What do u call a bunch of black ppl pushing a car up a hill?

BLACK POWER

What do u call a bunch of mexicans pushing a car up a hill?

GRAND THEFT AUTO
:8 :8 :8 :8 :8 :8 :8 :8

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

what do you call 4 mexicans drowing?


cquatro cinco

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

This one got an old man fired at work.

He says this to the only mexican working there.

Q. What do you call a bunch of mexicans standing in a line?

A. A spicket fence.

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

X2

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

This aint mine but its funny.


"She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. And I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for."

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?















"insert choking noise here"
Yeah, so it's kinda old, but i still get a kick out of it ;D

Here's one my old boss told me...he's just not right in the head...

What's the worst part about eating bald -----?














Putting the diaper back on :-X Now that's something you go to hell for :l

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

what would you call fred flenstone if he was black




















------

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

I guess that means we can call you Fred.

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

>After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is alive," Osama
>himself decides to write George W. a letter in his own handwriting just
>to let him know he is still around.
> >
> >Bush opened the letter and it appeared to be a coded message:
>370HSSV-0773H.
> >
> >Bush was baffled so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell.
> >
> >Colin and his aides had no clue either so they forwarded it to the FBI.
>They couldn't solve it so they sent it on to the CIA.
> >
> >With no more clue to it's meaning the CIA finally sent it to the RCMP
>for their help.
> >
> >The RCMP cabled the following message to the White House.
> >
> >"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

sure can wilma





dude i know i'm black i dont need you to tell me im a ------ i know i am O0

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

O0hahahahahah

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

what's funny is that you stupid joke actually made me laugh. ---- was soooooo r3ta/2d3d, lol.

I got a joke.... what do you call a black priest?





Holy ----.


lol an oldie just still gets me rolling. Heaven, ---- heaven it's over rated. I'll take umpa lumpa anyday.

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

what did one tampon say to the other?












nothing, their both stuck up cunts

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

Second Opinion

The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Bill admired himself lf in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion -PRICELESS

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

^ Bwahahaha... oh man :-X

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

But do you know why Tampons have strings?































So the crabs can bungee jump!

What do you call three dumb blonds standing side-by-side?

A natural wind tunnel.

Anyone ever hear of a dumb Polish blond striper?

She comes out on stage naked and puts her clothes on and hands out money.

How about a Polish hit-man he gets paid to go out whack himself.

How about Poland's new car company and their new flagship car called the Rolls Canhardly?

It rolls down one hill and can hardly get up the next one.

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

I like the spicket fence one hehe

I figured I throw in a couple of racial jokes myself, with all this ------ stuff flyin around ;)

What do you call a couple black guys in a yellow car?




Milk duds

Whats wrong w/ this picture...5 black guys in a caddy driving off a cliff.




Cadillacs seat 6.

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

hahahaha good ----

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

a man walks into his house with a duck under his arm and says see the pig i have to sleep with, his wife says to him thats not a pig thats a duck, he replies with "i wasnt talking to you"

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

^ Lame

Re: Funny Joke Thread - Piss Your Pants
 

why do gay gusy like ribbed condoms???










BETTER TRACTION IN THE MUD. haha omg this is osoo gay but fukc it