funny joke (not too long)......
04-29-2004, 11:07 AM
#22
1.5 BAR
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 933
Re:funny joke (not too long)......
Heres another one.. I don't know if it is as good.. but here is it.
Two aliens crash land onto Earth [in the US] right out the in middle of the desert area (somewhere around Arizona). They get out of their space craft and look at the damage. They realize that they will need to repair the craft before they can leave. They take off on a walk and come up to a gas station with no one there. They walk up to the gas pump.
One of the aliens looks at the pump and says, "Take me to your leader Earthling." The second alien asses the situation and looks back and forth between the other alien and the "earthling". He then grabs the suit of the first alien and says in a shakey voice, "we better leave him alone, lets go" and tugs on the suit of the first alien. The first alien shruggs off the second alien and repeats to the pump, "Earthling, take me too your leader, or I will be forced to disintegrate you with this Ray."
The second alien's eyes grow wide and he grabs the first alien and says, "what are you doing?? WE should really get out of here and leave." Again the first alien takes no heed. He repeats the request to the pump, "take me to your leader, you have to the count of 5. 1.. [the second alien is nearly jumping out of his suit now trying to stop the first alien] 2!..... 3... 4..... [the second alien takes off in a run away from the gas station] 5!!!! [the ray is fired]" BOOOOOM
The two aliens are propelled several hundred feet away from the gas station. As they lay there in torn suits, the first alien looks to the second alien and says, "why did you tell me not to do that?" The second alien replies, "I looked at the guy, and all I can say is that anyone that can take their dick and wrap it around in a loop and stick it in their ear is one bad mother ****** you should not mess with."
Two aliens crash land onto Earth [in the US] right out the in middle of the desert area (somewhere around Arizona). They get out of their space craft and look at the damage. They realize that they will need to repair the craft before they can leave. They take off on a walk and come up to a gas station with no one there. They walk up to the gas pump.
One of the aliens looks at the pump and says, "Take me to your leader Earthling." The second alien asses the situation and looks back and forth between the other alien and the "earthling". He then grabs the suit of the first alien and says in a shakey voice, "we better leave him alone, lets go" and tugs on the suit of the first alien. The first alien shruggs off the second alien and repeats to the pump, "Earthling, take me too your leader, or I will be forced to disintegrate you with this Ray."
The second alien's eyes grow wide and he grabs the first alien and says, "what are you doing?? WE should really get out of here and leave." Again the first alien takes no heed. He repeats the request to the pump, "take me to your leader, you have to the count of 5. 1.. [the second alien is nearly jumping out of his suit now trying to stop the first alien] 2!..... 3... 4..... [the second alien takes off in a run away from the gas station] 5!!!! [the ray is fired]" BOOOOOM
The two aliens are propelled several hundred feet away from the gas station. As they lay there in torn suits, the first alien looks to the second alien and says, "why did you tell me not to do that?" The second alien replies, "I looked at the guy, and all I can say is that anyone that can take their dick and wrap it around in a loop and stick it in their ear is one bad mother ****** you should not mess with."
04-29-2004, 11:23 AM
#24
1.5 BAR
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 933
Re:funny joke (not too long)......
Alright, I just thought of another one... here goes, I think this one is a little gut buster..
Three guys go to the doctor. They are all examined and they are sent out into the waiting room to wait for the results. The doctor asks all the men to come into his office for a minute. The doctor has the men take a seat and he goes to his desk and looks through some papers and says, "this is quite odd, I have never seen anything like this before. It seems to me that you all have the same problem, but with different variances." He looks at one man and says, "you are an alcoholic and all the alcohol you have drank has done a number on your internals. you have to break your habit, or your next drink will be your last." The alocholic looks shocked.
The doctor turns to the next man and says, "you are a smoker, and as the same with this man, you can no longer continue these activities, or it will be your last." the doctor turns to the last man and says, "you are in the same boat, you cannot continue your activities, except, for you it is homosexuality. one more time and it will be your last, i can assure you this."
All three men leave the office a little confused. They are walking down the sidewalk thinking about what the doctor had told them, "you must break your habit, or it will be your last". Then suddenly the wonderful taste of alcohol was in the air. The alcoholic looks up and across the street at the local bar and says, "i will prove that doctor wrong" he runs to the bar, orders a shot, downs it like it is nothing, sits down and falls off the stool and dies.
The other two men are shocked and looked at one another. they decide to get away from the place so they are not going to be caught by the police and questioned. while they continue to walk [at a faster pace now] the smoker smells that sweet smell of nicotine in the air. He looks down and sees a half lit cigarette. The gay man, sees the cigarette too, then looks back at the smoker, looks back down at the cigarette and then again, back at the smoker. The gay man says, "mister, if you bend over to get that cigarette, we are both dead."
If you would like more jokes.. i have a few others lined up too.
Three guys go to the doctor. They are all examined and they are sent out into the waiting room to wait for the results. The doctor asks all the men to come into his office for a minute. The doctor has the men take a seat and he goes to his desk and looks through some papers and says, "this is quite odd, I have never seen anything like this before. It seems to me that you all have the same problem, but with different variances." He looks at one man and says, "you are an alcoholic and all the alcohol you have drank has done a number on your internals. you have to break your habit, or your next drink will be your last." The alocholic looks shocked.
The doctor turns to the next man and says, "you are a smoker, and as the same with this man, you can no longer continue these activities, or it will be your last." the doctor turns to the last man and says, "you are in the same boat, you cannot continue your activities, except, for you it is homosexuality. one more time and it will be your last, i can assure you this."
All three men leave the office a little confused. They are walking down the sidewalk thinking about what the doctor had told them, "you must break your habit, or it will be your last". Then suddenly the wonderful taste of alcohol was in the air. The alcoholic looks up and across the street at the local bar and says, "i will prove that doctor wrong" he runs to the bar, orders a shot, downs it like it is nothing, sits down and falls off the stool and dies.
The other two men are shocked and looked at one another. they decide to get away from the place so they are not going to be caught by the police and questioned. while they continue to walk [at a faster pace now] the smoker smells that sweet smell of nicotine in the air. He looks down and sees a half lit cigarette. The gay man, sees the cigarette too, then looks back at the smoker, looks back down at the cigarette and then again, back at the smoker. The gay man says, "mister, if you bend over to get that cigarette, we are both dead."
If you would like more jokes.. i have a few others lined up too.
04-29-2004, 11:24 AM
#25
0.0 BAR
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 0
Re:funny joke (not too long)......
funny ---- guys, i got a good one
Three guys are walkin down a beach, a white guy, a mexican guy , and a black guy . while they're walking they stumble upon a lamp. the mexican guy picks up the lamp and rubs it, to their surprise, a genie come out and says he'll grant them one wish apiece.
the mexican goes first and says that he wants all his people to be happy back in mexico. the genie grants his wish POOF! the mexican is gone. the black guy goes next and says, i want all my people to be happy back in africa. the genie grants his wish POOF!, the black guy is gone.
its now the white guys turn, he looks around and says to the genie, "You mean to tell me all the spics and ------s are out of america
then i'll take a Coke"
its kinda racist, but i am by no means a racist. sorry about the use of the "bad" words.
Three guys are walkin down a beach, a white guy, a mexican guy , and a black guy . while they're walking they stumble upon a lamp. the mexican guy picks up the lamp and rubs it, to their surprise, a genie come out and says he'll grant them one wish apiece.
the mexican goes first and says that he wants all his people to be happy back in mexico. the genie grants his wish POOF! the mexican is gone. the black guy goes next and says, i want all my people to be happy back in africa. the genie grants his wish POOF!, the black guy is gone.
its now the white guys turn, he looks around and says to the genie, "You mean to tell me all the spics and ------s are out of america
then i'll take a Coke"its kinda racist, but i am by no means a racist. sorry about the use of the "bad" words.
04-29-2004, 11:35 AM
#26
1.5 BAR
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 933
Re:funny joke (not too long)......
Ok, well I have another.. These are really helping my post count.. 
One summer day there is a fly that is flying about a foot above a lake. While this fly is flying around this lake, a bass looks up to get something to eat. He says to himself, "if that fly drops 6 inches, I will have something to eat".
At the same time, a fisherman comes up to the lake to fish. He takes a look around and sees the bass and then sees the fly. He thinks to himself, "if that fly drops 6 inches, that bass will jump out of the water and i will hook him with my line and i will have something to eat."
The fisherman is waiting and decides to bring out his sandwich his wife packed in a lunch. A mouse suddenly comes out of his hole and looks out at the fisherman's sandwich. He thinks to himself, "i wish i had that cheese." and then he looks around and sees the bass and the fly.. "hmmm if that fly drops 6 inches, that bass will jump out of the water and get the fly, then the fisherman will jump up to get the fish while at the same time dropping his sandwich and i will have something to eat." so the mouse patiently awaits the fly to drop.
All the while this is happening, a stray cat stumbles upon the situation. he looks at the mouse and is thinking to himself "i wish i could eat that mouse" then he looks around and sees the fisherman, the bass, and the fly. And he then says to himself, "hmm if that fly drops 6 inches, the bass will jump out of the water, the fisherman will jump up and at the same time drop the sandwich, catch the fish, and the mouse will go and get the cheese from the sandwich and i will get the mouse." so the sly cat patiently awaits the fly to drop.
Well albeit, the fly drops 6 inches, the bass wastes no time and jumps out of the water and eats the fly, the fisherman jumps to his feet, drops the sandwich and catches the fish, the mouse scurries over to the sandwich and grabs the cheese, and the cat makes a mad dash, jumps and goes right over the mouse and into the lake.
Moral of the story: when the fly drops 6 inches, you get a wet -----
One summer day there is a fly that is flying about a foot above a lake. While this fly is flying around this lake, a bass looks up to get something to eat. He says to himself, "if that fly drops 6 inches, I will have something to eat".
At the same time, a fisherman comes up to the lake to fish. He takes a look around and sees the bass and then sees the fly. He thinks to himself, "if that fly drops 6 inches, that bass will jump out of the water and i will hook him with my line and i will have something to eat."
The fisherman is waiting and decides to bring out his sandwich his wife packed in a lunch. A mouse suddenly comes out of his hole and looks out at the fisherman's sandwich. He thinks to himself, "i wish i had that cheese." and then he looks around and sees the bass and the fly.. "hmmm if that fly drops 6 inches, that bass will jump out of the water and get the fly, then the fisherman will jump up to get the fish while at the same time dropping his sandwich and i will have something to eat." so the mouse patiently awaits the fly to drop.
All the while this is happening, a stray cat stumbles upon the situation. he looks at the mouse and is thinking to himself "i wish i could eat that mouse" then he looks around and sees the fisherman, the bass, and the fly. And he then says to himself, "hmm if that fly drops 6 inches, the bass will jump out of the water, the fisherman will jump up and at the same time drop the sandwich, catch the fish, and the mouse will go and get the cheese from the sandwich and i will get the mouse." so the sly cat patiently awaits the fly to drop.
Well albeit, the fly drops 6 inches, the bass wastes no time and jumps out of the water and eats the fly, the fisherman jumps to his feet, drops the sandwich and catches the fish, the mouse scurries over to the sandwich and grabs the cheese, and the cat makes a mad dash, jumps and goes right over the mouse and into the lake.
Moral of the story: when the fly drops 6 inches, you get a wet -----
04-29-2004, 12:00 PM
#27
3.0 BAR
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 3,930
Re:funny joke (not too long)......
ok,heres one,
So Nigel is ------- Kain up the *** and then pulls out and **** on his back, kain then turns to him and says "So do u want to cuddle?" And Nigel replies "What the ----, do you think I'm a ***?".
So Nigel is ------- Kain up the *** and then pulls out and **** on his back, kain then turns to him and says "So do u want to cuddle?" And Nigel replies "What the ----, do you think I'm a ***?".
04-29-2004, 02:17 PM
#28
1.0 BAR
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 355
Re:funny joke (not too long)......
dude.. spenser.. weak
here not realy ajoke.. more of a funny story
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Ed Griffin, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the score cards from the event:
Chili #1: Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Ed Griffin: Holy ----, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Ed Griffin: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Ed Griffin: Call the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency), I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shitfaced from all the beer.
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Ed Griffin: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it; is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 pound bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Ed Griffin: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili #6: Verbs Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Ed Griffin: I'm starting to ---- lava! My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I ---- on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress; a vein in his forehead is starting to throb and he is cursing uncontrollably.
Ed Griffin: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ---- to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Are those flames shooting out of my ***?
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when the vein in Judge Number 3's head burst; he passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
Ed Griffin: -------- (editors note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
here not realy ajoke.. more of a funny story
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Ed Griffin, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the score cards from the event:
Chili #1: Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Ed Griffin: Holy ----, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Ed Griffin: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Ed Griffin: Call the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency), I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shitfaced from all the beer.
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Ed Griffin: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it; is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 pound bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Ed Griffin: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili #6: Verbs Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Ed Griffin: I'm starting to ---- lava! My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I ---- on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress; a vein in his forehead is starting to throb and he is cursing uncontrollably.
Ed Griffin: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ---- to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Are those flames shooting out of my ***?
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when the vein in Judge Number 3's head burst; he passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
Ed Griffin: -------- (editors note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
04-30-2004, 02:06 PM
#30
1.5 BAR
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,145
