Chuck Norris
 

I thought this was funny

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the $!@% out of little kids.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the !@!@!@ when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and $!@% on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Re: Chuck Norris
 

Lol.That is pretty good.

Re: Chuck Norris
 

Lol, a lot of those had me rollin. Good find O0

Re: Chuck Norris
 

God, that shits funny, I can't believe I used to watch him almost loyally, anyways Conan does great short replays of his work, classic

Re: Chuck Norris
 

and now you know why i named a manifold after him..

Re: Chuck Norris
 

that was funny

Re: Chuck Norris
 

:D funny ---- right there.

Re: Chuck Norris
 

lmfao im not even high and im still laughin.

Re: Chuck Norris
 

Haha. It better be the toughest manifold ever. His best scene is in Delta Force (80's action classic) when he picks up a dirtbike with rocket launchers on the side O0

Re: Chuck Norris
 

Re: Chuck Norris
 

thats off a website, they where talking about it on the radio on friday, i forgot the name something like chuck noris random facts or such.

Nick

Re: Chuck Norris
 

Charles Bronson is Chuck Norris's secret father. RIP Bronson. He just secretly faked his death to live on the same secret beach resort that James Dean, Tupac, ODB, River Phoenix, Elvis, Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix, Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, Ray Charles, Keith Moon, and Johnny Cash. Chuck Norris has his room already reserved.

Re: Chuck Norris
 

------ Chuck Norris </dodgeball>

Re: Chuck Norris
 

When vin diesel goes swimming, he doesn't get wet, the water gets vin.

Vin diesel doesn't need sun block, the sun needs vin block.

Re: Chuck Norris
 

carefull the eyes of the ranger are upon you
http://rds.yahoo.com/S=96062883/K=ch...hucknorris.jpg
i ------ hate chuck norris,bruce lees bitch

Re: Chuck Norris
 

"Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the $!@% out of little kids. "

That one right there made me lose it. :D

Re: Chuck Norris
 

Thats a copy of the "Random Vin Desiel Fact" web page.

Re: Chuck Norris
 

hahahaha those were great.. i read them to my parents and they gave me the WTF look but whatever, its pimp :6

Re: Chuck Norris
 

heh, made me chuckle. Kind of sounds like a blatant rip of the SNL Bill Brasky skits. just type in bill brasky to any downloading program and watch them. They are hilarious.

"Bill Brasky drives an ice-cream truck covered in human skulls"

"I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury"

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."

Good post either way.

- short-A

Re: Chuck Norris
 

that one was ------- awesome

Re: Chuck Norris
 

man, chuck norris has nothing on uncle jesse.

"Dear Diary,

Today I woke up and took a pee. I peed on the seat on purpose, and then left the seat up. Becky came in to take a crap, and she fell in the toilet. Then, when she put the seat down, she sat in my pee. She asked me why I did that...and then she realized I was Uncle Jesse. Then she went and sat in the pee again. Then I bleached the laces for my white tennis shoes. They got really clean, so I took the bleach and spelled out "butt-lord" on Danny Tanner's front lawn."


http://wwujd.com/

Re: Chuck Norris
 

yeah wwujd.com is the ----. but those chuck norris facts are amazing, i laughed well.

Re: Chuck Norris
 

nice

Re: Chuck Norris
 

wtf that ---- wasn't funnY? why yall laughin.

Re: Chuck Norris
 

that just means you have no soul, keep that in mind

Re: Chuck Norris
 

youre lucky i cant ban people....this is the funniest ---- ive read in a long time

Re: Chuck Norris
 

maybe cause i just skimmed through it, if they were true itd be funny but there not.

Re: Chuck Norris
 

theyre obviously not true, thats part of why they are funny

Re: Chuck Norris
 

I think it is a fact that Chuck Norris' main export is pain

Re: Chuck Norris
 

i'm checking back when i'm high