"FOOL PRESSURE CHART"
(For those who refuse to use a pressure gauge)

Due to the fact that most technicians do not want to take the time to
correctly test the fuel pressure, we have developed the following...

With the engine running, either push the schrader valve in or loosen the
fuel line THEN IF:

Fuel does not come out of the test area... Pressure is approx 0 psi
Fuel hits the hood insulation... Pressure is 5 - 8 psi
Fuel squirts over the fender... Pressure is 10-15 psi
Fuel splashes off the fender onto the hood insulation and into the next repair bay... Pressure is 25-30 psi
Fuel squirts to the garage roof, all over the car, including the shop owner... Pressure is 30-50 psi

VACUUM TEST

"Rule of Thumb"

Put thumb on vacuum hose leading to direct engine vacuum.

Don't feel anything… Change thumbs and re-test
Still don't feel anything… Vacuum is very low to none.
Hose has slight suction… 1" to 5"
Suction causes skin to wrinkle… 5" to 8"
Suction turns thumb blue… 8" to 10"
Suction creates hickey on thumb… 10" to 12"
Suction creates pain… 18" to 20"
Suction will not release and begins to move toward index finger… 20" to 25"

"IDIO-ILLUMINATION" CHART

With the vehicle prepped and ready to be tested, hook the negative lead
of the test light to a good ground and proceed with testing.

The bulb DOES NOT light… The voltage is 0 - 1 volt
The bulb MIGHT be glowing… The voltage is 1 - 3 volts
The bulb BARELY GLOWS (or there is a reflection from the overhead lights)… The voltage is 3 - 5 volts
The bulb GLOWS MUCH BRIGHTER than #2, but only a little brighter than #3… The voltage is 5 - 7 volts
The bulb GLOWS WITH THE SAME INTENSITY AS A BALD HEAD ON A SUNNY DAY… The voltage is 7 - 9 volts
The bulb GLOWS BRIGHTLY and is GAINING IN INTENSITY… The voltage is 9 - 11 volts
The bulb is ALMOST BRIGHT ENOUGH TO READ BY… The voltage is 11 - 13 volts
The bulb is BRIGHT ENOUGH that you still see a spot when you look away… The voltage is 13 - 15 volts
The bulb SHINES WITH THE INTENSITY OF A HALOGEN HEADLAMP… The voltage is 15 - 17 volts
The bulb is so bright that it MAY BE A SIGN FROM GOD… The voltage is 17 - 19 volts
The bulb flashed with the INTENSITY OF A MINOLTA FLASH POINTED 3 FEET FROM YOUR FACE… The voltage is 20,000 to 40,000 volts…
(Secondary Ignition)

IGNITION VOLTAGE OUTPUT TEST

Scopes may be inaccessible from time to time, so we at "Bubba's Garage"
have come up with this here test for Ignition Output:

Hold medium wrench in one hand, Sears wrench preferred for accuracy
of test 'cause other smooth wrenches are too slick for throwin'!

With engine runnin', grab hold of the plug end of an ignition cable with the other hand
and hold on tight!

This will more than likely cause you to throw wrench! KV output is based on how far
the wrench wuz thrown!

10 feet =
approx. 10,000 volts
20 feet =
approx. 15,000 volts
30 feet =
approx. 25,000 volts
Over 30 feet =
Caution! Must be one of them new
dis-is-it ignition systems, use bigger
wrench and retest.

WARNING! No side effects have been reported due to testing at this time
(although it has been known to kill chiggers after berry pickin')

Bubba Sez: Electricity will not usually hurt you, instead it is the back of
your neck going through the hood latch that really ruins your day!!

HOW TO TORQUE WITH AN IMPACT WRENCH.

(Remember this is just a joke!)

Yes you can use your impact gun to torque nuts and bolts if you use this handy chart along with your ears and a quick trigger finger.

TORQUE VALUE INGERSOLL IMPACT SNAP-ON IMPACT
25 to 35 ft/lbs BAP! BAP!
35 to 45 ft/lbs BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP!
45 to 60 ft/lbs BAP! BAP! BA... BAP! BAP! BAP!
60 to 75 ft/lbs BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BA…
75 to 90 ft/lbs BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP!
90 to 100 ft/lbs BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP!
110 to 300 ft/lbs ALL GUNS BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP! BAP!

remember this is just a joke