best jokes
 

ok so the last joke thread wasn't all that funny. so everbody post up there favorite jokes. racist, blonde, stupid, whatever. just post up.

Q. Why do women have arms?
A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?
A. The porn video has better music!

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is ------- her

Q. How do you ---- a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

Re: best jokes
 

Does anyone ever notice how one thread thats diffrent from whats normaly going on will spawn a diffrent thread of almost the same subject matter? It happens with every thread, and thread style almost. Like, I beleive this thread was spawned from the "most racist joke ever" thread.

Re: best jokes
 

^ ha i was just thinking that...

Q: why shouldnt' women be allowed to have a driving liscense?
A: Theres no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Re: best jokes
 

what's funnier is he made this thread because the other thread's joke lacked funny jokes and this thread is following, cause not a single one of those jokes made me laugh or chuckle.

Re: best jokes
 

Then post one that is funny then

Re: best jokes
 

what do you call 5 white kids and 5 black kids rolling around in the leaves?



Cookies N Cream ;)

Re: best jokes
 

a ------ and a mexican r in a car....... whos driving

Re: best jokes
 

the police

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did you hear about the black guy who died on I-10 the other day? he stuck his head out the window and his lips beat him to death......

Re: best jokes
 

Freshman Guide to Bra Removal

OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?

Drug Used to Seduce Men

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:
Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.

The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...


Clemson Wedding -- A long, true story

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.

Re: best jokes
 

Damn Beer!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nuthin ya dun told her twice (must be said with redneck accent)

What do you call a woman with 0ne black eye?
A quick learner.

What do youdo when the dishwasher stops?
Slap it on the ass and tell it to get back to work.

What do you call 3 mexicans an african american and a chinese guy?
A sprinkler: Spic, Spic, Spic, Nigga, Chink

What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?
How'd you get us in this jam? ;D

Re: best jokes
 

A black guy walks into a bar with a beatiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"

"Africa," says the parrot.

Q: What do you call a black guy who goes to college?
A: A Basketball player.

Q: How do you break up the "Million Man March"?
A: Fly overhead with helicopters and drop job applications.

Q: Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?
A: He said: "If I'ze gonna be im-po-tent, I wanna looks im-po-tant."


Q: Why are black ladies pocket books so big?
A: They have to put their lipstick some where



What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour.

How many white men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, white men will screw anything.

What's the flattest surface to iron your jeans on?
A white girl's ass!

What's white and fourteen inches long?
Absolutely nothing!



What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, ----, Etc."


The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman



#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.


#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"


#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.


AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.


Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

Re: best jokes
 

Once there was a lumber jack that worked in the camps for 3 months straight without seeing a woman the whole time. While there the only thing he thinks about is sex. So after his 3 months is up he heads straight to the ----- house for his entire week off. When he first gets there he asks to have the biggest roughest toughest woman they have because he's a roughneck lumberjack, so the receptionist replies "we have the perfect woman for you, her name is Bear and is in room 224" so he goes up to the room and has the best sex of his life, comes back everyday all week.
Then he goes back to the camp for another 3 months and all he can think about is Bear.
Finally his 3 months is up and he goes straight back to the same ----- house and tells the receptionist that he was there 3 months prior and he was with Bear and must have her again. She tells him she is out on a call but should be back soon just to go up to the room and wait for her, and there is a tv and a dvd player for him to watch some of Bears personal videos.
He goes up to the room and is sitting in a chair with his dick in his hand forgetting to shut the door fully. As the cleaning lady walks by she peeks in the room and see him holding his dick. She gets excited and runs down to the receptionist and asks if she can go talk to the man in room 224. The receptionist says yeah go ahead he is waiting for Bear.
She runs back upstairs and pushes the door open and says to the man, "Excuse me sir but I couldn't help notice your big dick and was wondering if I could get a better look at it?" He says "sure, but hurry up" She looks and says "Sir can I touch it I never seen anything that big before?" He says, "yeah go ahead and hurry up Bear will be here soon" She touches it and creams a little juice in her panties as it's been so long since she has had sex. She then asks the man "Sir I really have to ask can I please put that in my mouth?" He says "---- YOU LADY, this here is loaded for a Bear shot the head off a ------ coomb!!"

Re: best jokes
 

what do you call 3 asians and 3 black people in a yard?


a sprinker... chink,chink,chink ------,------,------ :P

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The worst joke ever is pimp my ride. They make some of the ugliest cars ever

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exactly i watched that the other day and they msde some guys car look like a spaceship... literaly

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hahaha my little brother told me this the other day... ---- got me rolling!!!! Propbably cause he's only 15 and doesn't say ---- like this.

What do you call a person who is half vietnamese and half black?


vinegar [vi------] or as I would say vietneeeeeeegger!!!

Re: best jokes
 

haha viet------. thats pretty good.