Tom-Guy

I wasn't talking about Mario. All the Greenville guy's cars have been very very well sorted and assembled. I intended to get ahold of him tomorrow or something after I've de-stressed and gotten some sleep. I've had the daughterunit for the last week and a half, summer break + babymomma meltdown, which is not conducive to getting anything accomplished. I need to figure *something* out, because my mom can only keep her for me around her work schedule, and she has three jobs.

Tell that to Jeremy Keller of Hendersonville.... oh, yah <rant>

He called me once about having ECU work done, said one of the local shops gave him my number (which they do NOT do unless the person is sufficiently mature). I called him back the next day. He calls me the following day. He seems pretty laid back, not a pressure-personality. I told him I was super busy; I was thirty minutes late to tuning a car at BRMS (45 minutes away) because I detoured to pick up a P06 from him to convert to VTEC and chip for B16. I told him I was tuning another car the following evening, and was going to Jersey for the weekend to work on the World's Stupidest Racecar. I'm busy, but I'll try my best to get him taken care of. The ECU he gave me was from Import ------- Salvage (probably gigged him for it, top dollar, JDM-style) and was therefore water damaged and had rust on the PCB. The next day I drove to Taylorsville (1.5 hours away) to pick up parts for the Pinks car, decided I'd make sure his ECU was okay before I touched it, so I stuck it into my B7 powered beater and drove... I usually stick my phone in the floorboard because I suck at driving and talking at the same time. By the time I got home around 5 pm he'd called 4-5 times.

I'm annoyed. I'd told this guy when I met him that I was 30, have a 9 yo kid, and was sick of OMG VTECH!@!! kiddies calling me all hours of the day and night to lowball me, find out where I lived so they could steal from me. I told him I was selling off 90% of my car stuff and going back to school this fall because I was done with the bullshit. And he's drilling my phone. I call him, tell him I hadn't done anything to his ECU except test it to make sure it wasn't usual Import ------- Salvage rip-off fare, and that I'd call him when I had it ready... that I was tuning a car that should be in my driveway within the hour, I could probably drop it off to him that night since tuning = driving, but it would probably be the usual couple hours of sorting stupid problems before we were on the road and I'D CALL HIM.

Matt rolls up 7:00 pm. I have Jeremy's ECU converted and socketed, and realise I've left my chip burner in a bag in Goforth's Integra... located an hour away at his brother's bodyshop in Marshall. I call in a favor, and get the burner ferried to me. Matt's car is not correctly sorted; downpipe has a 2" hole in it, ignition timing is -----o, DSM 450cc have never been test fitted, needs resistor box wired in, can you install my turbo timer for me?, etc etc. I work from 7pm until 20am before I can even stick my equipment on the car. By this time Jeremy's called 3-4 more times, I'm pissed, I'll deal with him later when I'm good and goddamn ready to talk to someone that fouls my signal:noise ratio. 4am rolls around, Matt's car is ------- stupid and won't run right, I take my equipment off and send him home to Raleigh to fix the ignition timing problem (turns out D15Z1 pulley on Z6; I could tell it felt all wrong, base timing was 100% JDM to say the least). I'm in bed by 5am.

Jeremy Keller's first call of the day is in three and a half hours. He calls three times before I uncurl from the unconscious fetal position around 110. I go to call him, and before I can press "send" the phone is ringing with him calling me again. No. I can definitely not deal with this sort of person. I am a theorist, a technician, a dreamer, a poster child for ADHD, a semi-autistic idiot-savant, and I have an anti-social streak a mile wide. At this point, explaining to the guy that I don't think I can help him + he needs to come get his ECU sans socket and small bits would be according him too much respect. Most people stop blowing up your phone after a day or two, realise they've pissed you the ---- off, and after a day of radio silence I'll call them. It's fine... I'll go to work, leave for Jersey afterward, and I'll call Jeremy when apropo and he can get his ECU back Monday or Tuesday at my convenience.

Jeremy never stops calling. About Tuesday, I start getting calls from two other numbers, one of which is his brother's. At the one week point since I got this guy's ECU I'm getting 8-15 calls per day. ---- him. I'm done with him. I'm done with the guy who called that day offering to pay me "top dollar, money is no option" because his car is all messed up - his car is just fine, but he heard that PR3 mappings are better than PW0 mappings, and will make large power increases on his stock B16. I don't do this for money, so I'm not interested in ripping the kid off by giving him what he wants. Too many people like this have my number... again... so I change it.

Anyone Jeremy talks to locally's first question to him will probably be "you haven't blown up his phone, have you?" because I almost brained Jimmy Grooms with a lead pipe over that antic, and I've cussed out numerous people who've called late night (Seth, Thomas, Darius from ADSpeed) or done the "Voicemail? Maybe I'll call 3-4 times in a row and Joseph will think I'm important" stunt. He's *GOT* to know what my - no, his - problem is. I called all the shops and read the riot act, they all claimed to not have handed out my number to anyone. I figure at this point, whomever loves him locally will access me through the usual channels (I hang out with the same crew for, uhm, 4-5 years now?) and someone who I like and has pity on the guy will intercede for him to get his ECU back. Well... no one's owning him. I wonder why?

So, the night before last, I get this email:

What's so funny about all this... aside from him thinking AEM OMG WTF EMS has anything to do with anything, the illogical twit... I never got payment. How can I have failed to produce work after payment? The guy's got a stock JDM P30 ECU that's fried. I told him I wanted the P30 so I could get the knock board out of it, and $20, to convert his P06 to VTEC and socket it with a B16 program. Yup, I was aiming to break even on the cost of parts to convert his ECU, and I wanted the knock board to plug into an ECU I have laying around so I can play with Crome's knock sensor recording function so it's not stuck in alpha forever. Zero profit for me, unless you consider geeking out going for the gold.

Tom-Guy

Excuse me? Harry's met me all of twice, and he doesn't know the first thing about me. Could you... please... offer me details?

Harry royally screwed Tom at Total Performance, shop that builts Lambo kit cars, down on the river. He got a JDM GSR from clip from rimsandthings, represented it to Tom as a JDM ITR, and proceeded to install it into a 99 Si. Mike Jone's old Si, which he traded to Goforth, and then Goforth traded for a black Si. Well, you see, Harry is such a bright guy and an awesome fabricator he proceeds to cut the Si's mounts from the frame rail because as any dummy knows you can't just bolt a RHD B-series into a LHD car. I think they have three of the five mounts... kinda... trying... to hold it in place. The front clip was OBD1... so they married RHD OBD1 underhood harness and underdash OBD2 harness (removed the dash and everything) and have some clusterfuck of wires in the driver's floorboard that includes both underdash fuseboxes from both cars. I guess they figured at some point they could pack it up under the dashboard?? I don't know. But, I'll give him credit where credit is due... the car is supposed to start up and idle, although the engine bucks around all over the place.

TurbodEG

the people that work at his shop where talking abotu how u blew up one of the guys cars and other cars they know...i told him...i know people who have had cars tuned by JD and not only did they not blow up they made good power and ran fine with no problems...and if i didn't i wouldn't want him to tune mine so bad...then he told me you rode up there the other day in this integra claiming 545whp and got walked on by a stock srt-4...he was like "joseph didn't say anything but the guy he was with was talking alot of crap about this "fast *** integra"...and we walked all over it"...i told him that it wouldn't change my mind...i know you're a good tuner...pete, chris and josh know aswell...

WHENEVER u can work in the time man i'll be there...i just need it tuned and P1 and RLZ are trying to rip me off...the guy at RLZ said it'd take 20hrs to tune it and the starting price is 400...and as the hours pass it will go up in price and that is with crome need i remind you...jack @p1 said i can't use my p06...i HAVE to buy a p28 or he's not touching the car...then he is gonna charge me 50 dollars to socket it and another 550 to neptune it...and i'm a father aswell and i know how it is...my daughters first birthday is in 7 days and i'd rather spend my money on her then pay that much for someone to take 20hrs to tune my car...

HondaTuner

Yeah, he needs a P28 because you have Vtack, Mario... or, atleast thats what he thinks.

TurbodEG

no dan, he knows i have an LS motor.

Inquisition

Don't have Jack at P1 touch your car. I was able to troubleshoot a car 800 miles away while sitting on the internet while he was unable to do so with the car at his shop, TWICE. The saddest part was it was a simple boost actuator issue. In my eyes, hes a clown.

HondaTuner

Well apparently he doesn't know WTF he's talking about :1

Tom-Guy

They must be talking about Max's GSR. The one Max installed the TurboXS boost controller on backwards, so it acts like a check valve and doesn't let the wastegate see boost? Jimmy Grooms was driving... I told him to go slow since we were turning the boost up from 6 psi wastegate, and it might overshoot... yup, it spiked immediately to 15+ psi. You could hear audible detonation. Jimmy just started jerking on the steering wheel and kept the gas pedal floored, "YES!!! YES!!!" "Jimmy, STOP, LET OFF THE GAS" "YES!!! YES!!!" "JIMMY STOP" "YES!!! YES!!!"

As for any other engines... hrm, locally I tuned Wes, and Atlee. Wes kept having sleeves sink, but managed 404 whp and nobody would race him anymore, not even the crotchrockets. Atlee got 14 psi for 6 months off a stock Z6 on a Greddy kit before breaking #2 ringlands - I'd call that a lot of heat and in the 230-240 whp range, not a bad record for an at that time 20 y/old kid. I don't think you can pin blame to me on that one.

Then there's Steve's H22. Ingrams installed the sleeves, warped the block, and it kept chewing main bearings out of the bottom end. Two cranks later they figured it out and had someone *else* align bore the engine, it held together for 800 miles before chewing out the mains; verdict was Ingram had stressed the block webbing to the point the block was flimsy; he had admitted to using a 60 ton press to seat the sleeves. :1

If he's trying to pin Rob Blossfield's melting four different sets of pistons and sleeves sinking twice (Ingram's...), all I have to say is I never tuned the car, it's running on the AFC hack. He's a friend, but I can never get up with the guy.

The only engine I've ever blown up was Ari's D16Y, and you should know I contacted Chris about getting ahold of him two days after getting Steve's D16Y8 off the dyno, and that I did so to make sure I made everything right with him.


That is the Black Car. It has the potential to be a 500 whp pump gas car, but it was running 10-12 psi that night. We'd just put it together, and were running it around on glazed plugs, with Trav-*** driving - first time he's driven his car in a year. Let's take inventory of what actually happened here:

Neither of the Neons we raced were stock. Both are strong running Neons, which isn't saying much. I was told both had done mid 13's with decent trap speeds. I know the asshat (Hamilton, Hampton, something) claiming to have won has an exhaust, cats cut off, and a boost controller as of a year and a half ago. The black Neon and the red (Hamilton's) Neon are supposed to be equivalent, Hamilton's pulls it by about a half car 30-100mph or something.

Black Neon:

- Roll up next to them, honk three times, go on three. Trav-*** is sitting at 4000 rpms in 2nd gear. The T67 starts spooling about there. The black Neon pulls a car or to ahead. We run him down and pull a half car on him by the time Travis shifts at 8000 rpms (Travis, it revs to 9500, kthnx). Travis lifts to shift, the black Neon pulls a car. By the top of third, shifting at 9K and lifting, we are 3-4 cars ahead. Shift to fourth and hold it down = bus lengths, plural. No contest.

Hamilton's red Neon:

- Roll up next to him. Travis is slowing down, probably 2K in 5th. He takes it out of gear, slows more, but isn't into gear yet. Hamilton doesn't honk, doesn't gesture, just goes. We decide ---- it, and Travis sticks the car in gear and punches it... oh, 3500 rpms, nice move Travis. Long story short we pull a half car on the red Neon at the top of third and let out because we're in a curve. I think we made out point, but Hamilton;s a liar, and was apparently talking mad ----.

Third race, and this was the nice one, some kid named Mark/Mike with the turbo Dodge Colt, 4G61 style:

- We pull up next to him, Travis is trying to brake boost a little, he maybe had 2 psi at 4500 in second when we both went. The Colt got the jump, not like it mattered, it ran strong and pulled ahead 5-6 cars. By the top of second (Travis is managing 9500 by now) we reel the car in and are feeling pretty good. Then the Colt shifts and... get traction and pulls another 3-4 cars. We pull abreast and a half car ahead at the top of third, but are in a curve and let out. It was an interesting race, and would have been an interesting finish if there was more road. You can ask the guy who owned the Colt, Travis and I were not interested in slow ****** Neons that Travis could mis-drive past, we came up and looked at his car and gave him respect because it's the second DSM I've ever seen that was worth a ----. That car is nasty.



Keep in mind the Pigtegra has an LS gearbox, and is a full weight car with leather, power everything, sunroof, etc, and we were racing with three guys (me, Travis, Wes) and a toolbox in it. We easily wieghed more than anything there; I doubt the Colt hit 2000 lbs with the driver.

That's a crock. Even if Neptune only supports B16 code, you scale VTEC point higher than revlimit and turn off VTP/VTM CELs. Basic ---- Neptune should be equipped with. P06 is the same exact hardware as P28, sans VTEC circuitry.

ITB cars take a good minute to tune, I dunno about 20 hours though, especially when you have a loading dyno to make things nice and cakelike.

AgentMurdoc

omg jd, i love your novels... when I have patience to read them

jd is the man if he can't splain it no one can!!!

what does my post have to do with all this? uh... nothing, duh.

Guy-Fast

20 hours is a little much


I tuned a dual tb 2.4 lude motor in 5 hours and Im a tool