How to poop at work
09-12-2003, 03:57 PM
#1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 5,282
How to poop at work
Some one sent me this through email. I thought it might give a few of you a laugh the next time your at work...
USEFUL INSTRUCTIONS:
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival
guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught in the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well
as the other bathroom attendees.
USEFUL INSTRUCTIONS:
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival
guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught in the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well
as the other bathroom attendees.
09-12-2003, 06:16 PM
#5
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 21,479
Re:How to poop at work
Originally Posted by d16z64life
Try going in a port-o pottie that hasent been cleaned in six days(they clean them every 7 days) 
I use several techniques listed above. I am an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER and I use the crop dusting style. I also use the CAMO-COUGH and the ASTAIRE to avoid a TURD BURGLAR. I know d16z64life uses the same style. It comes with the territory.
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09-12-2003, 07:39 PM
#8
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 0
Re:How to poop at work
The only time I ever ---- at work just happened to be one summer I was doing drywall so I was forced to use the porta john. I ---- and was out of there before my crap even hit the bottom of the toilet. That was the quickest ---- I have ever taken in my life and I normally take pretty long dumps.
09-12-2003, 08:10 PM
#9
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 0
Re:How to poop at work
LOL. I work with my friend and his brother (their dad's company)and we paint the interiors of usually rich *** people's houses. The people are never there when we work. There's nothing better than bombing a yuppie's bathroom. It's great. 
In public bathrooms, it seems like I always go in there to take a wee wee and the dude in the stall always comes out when Im in there. Like every fucken time. Dude, wait a couple of seconds for me to leave before you come out of the do do zone. I don't want to see your face and associate you with the aroma.
In public bathrooms, it seems like I always go in there to take a wee wee and the dude in the stall always comes out when Im in there. Like every fucken time. Dude, wait a couple of seconds for me to leave before you come out of the do do zone. I don't want to see your face and associate you with the aroma.
09-13-2003, 02:18 AM
#10
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,558
Re:How to poop at work
Word, half the time the guy comes out, and the other half, I can just sense his pain of holding it until the bathroom is his again. I always feel bad when that happens, since just as I leave, another guy walks in, so he is forced to wait even longer.
I generally go for the fly by, at my office, there is a Mens bathroom with a single-serve (handicap) bathroom right next door. In need, I used the single serve, but then I feel really awkward leaving, cuz it's real obvious, and then I feel bad for whoever is next... lol....rofl....
Jung
I generally go for the fly by, at my office, there is a Mens bathroom with a single-serve (handicap) bathroom right next door. In need, I used the single serve, but then I feel really awkward leaving, cuz it's real obvious, and then I feel bad for whoever is next... lol....rofl....
Jung
