funny ----.
03-29-2006, 12:21 AM
#1
3.0 BAR
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,282
funny ----.
Word Jokes
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetratingThe bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting "favors" from the opposite sex
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
Glibido: All talk and no action
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
analogy retentive adj the tendency to become unbearable when one's inference, that if two things are alike in some ways they must be alike in others, is challenged
automiconnicons used in an automatic or mechanistic manner, without reflection
clandestination concealed final point of arrival or ultimate purpose; 2the unknowable inevitable course of events
cyclopean adj simple- or single-mindedness; limited vision
dichotomystical adj of or pertaining to division of the quest for union with the divine into two usually contradictory parts
epiphaniacal adj of or pertaining to an excessive enthusiasm for revelatory manifestation, to the extent of fabrication
hegemonyms n.pl words associated with predominance of one state, entity or idea over another
ludicrosity n absurdity or incongruity to the point of being laughable
mundanger n an ordinary, typical risk
nihologism n a word that has made nothing into something
sologism n proposition consisting of reasoning understood by one person only, usually its author
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a mute person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are undocumented.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetratingThe bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting "favors" from the opposite sex
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
Glibido: All talk and no action
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
analogy retentive adj the tendency to become unbearable when one's inference, that if two things are alike in some ways they must be alike in others, is challenged
automiconnicons used in an automatic or mechanistic manner, without reflection
clandestination concealed final point of arrival or ultimate purpose; 2the unknowable inevitable course of events
cyclopean adj simple- or single-mindedness; limited vision
dichotomystical adj of or pertaining to division of the quest for union with the divine into two usually contradictory parts
epiphaniacal adj of or pertaining to an excessive enthusiasm for revelatory manifestation, to the extent of fabrication
hegemonyms n.pl words associated with predominance of one state, entity or idea over another
ludicrosity n absurdity or incongruity to the point of being laughable
mundanger n an ordinary, typical risk
nihologism n a word that has made nothing into something
sologism n proposition consisting of reasoning understood by one person only, usually its author
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a mute person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are undocumented.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
03-31-2006, 11:49 PM
#5
0.0 BAR
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 0
Re: funny ----.
I was gonna ---- on you because the first part with the word jokes was stale, but then I came accross
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
Sounds pretty smart to me. 
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are undocumented.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Speaking of which, I'm fucken dying that someone hasn't started the "illegal immigration" thread. 
. You guys either have the wrong viewpoint and know I'm gonna clobber you, or you find pleasure in knowing that I'm fucken waiting with my keyboard cocked. 
(Do I have to break out the paypal?) lol
Originally Posted by buk9tp
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are undocumented.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
. You guys either have the wrong viewpoint and know I'm gonna clobber you, or you find pleasure in knowing that I'm fucken waiting with my keyboard cocked. (Do I have to break out the paypal?) lol
04-01-2006, 12:01 AM
#7
0.0 BAR
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 0
Re: funny ----.
Jago, alot of things sold in california have this logo that says "made with real california cheese" on it. I'm not sure why because other than that logo on pizza and ---- I've never heard of California making any cheese.
Wait, now that I think about it there's alot of shitbags in Ca. making cheese. Government cheese.
Wait, now that I think about it there's alot of shitbags in Ca. making cheese. Government cheese.
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AgentMurdoc
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11-14-2005 02:50 AM
