The amazing Chuck Norris
12-12-2005, 01:09 AM
#1
0.0 BAR
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 0
The amazing Chuck Norris
Very long reading .. but good for a laugh if your bored. If it's a repost, go get fucked.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family doesn't die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "boo-yah".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at the man until he exploded.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and crapped on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" He roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Crop circles are Chuck's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lay the f%&k down.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and that those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck allows to live.
Chuck played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family doesn't die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "boo-yah".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at the man until he exploded.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and crapped on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" He roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Crop circles are Chuck's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lay the f%&k down.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and that those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck allows to live.
Chuck played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
12-12-2005, 01:10 AM
#2
0.0 BAR
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 0
Re: The amazing Chuck Norris
This is a repost, although I see some new lines.
edit: some other ones (some are repeats from above)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
When faced with a difficult situation, Jesus asks himself, "What would Chuck Norris do?"
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ---- with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ------- Indian.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the ---- down.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
edit: some other ones (some are repeats from above)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
When faced with a difficult situation, Jesus asks himself, "What would Chuck Norris do?"
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ---- with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ------- Indian.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the ---- down.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Long live Chuck..
12-14-2005, 11:19 PM
#9
0.0 BAR
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 0
Re: The amazing Chuck Norris
On the sixth day God created Chuck Norris. On the seventh day God did not
rest, he was unconscience after recieving a round house kick to the face for
not making Chuck on day one.
Chuck Norris built the equator to get a leg up on China's "Great Wall."
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.
Down came the rain and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain,
And Chuck Norris came out and stomped the spider for trying to pull that
---- again.
Chuck Norris wears a mullet wig on weekends just so he can kick the asses of
those who make fun of him.
When Chuck Norris found out that he was not included in Mt.Rushmore, he
wanted to leave his mark somewhere. He then karate chopped the ground and created
the Grand Canyon.
Chuck Norris was the first human being to walk upon the moon. He carved his
body in a combat stance on the dark side of the moon as a warning to aliens.
Chuck Norris once killed a judge and was sent to Alcatraz just to prove he
could escape.
Andacondas can grow up to over 30 feet long, and dislocate their jaws so
they can open thier mouths exeptionaly wide. But they still cant deep throat
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris went to the supermarket to pick up some eggs, but everytime he
touched the eggs, the scrambled themsevles and jumped out of the shell. When
asked by the a beautiful woman how he was able to perform such a feat, Chuck
Norris replied, "I am all that is man." He then stared at her for 5 seconds,
then gave her a roundhouse kick to the face.
An entire episode of Walker, Texas Ranger was shot with the lens cap on.
This made no difference, however, because the light emanating from Chuck Norris'
beard permeated the plastic cap and allowed the camera to see Chuck in all
his glory.
Walker Texas Ranger with Chuck Norris is the original reality-television
show.
Chuck Norris once caught a bullet with his bare hand that was going directly
at a man's face. Everyone who witnessed this event began clapping out of
amazement. Chuck then roundhouse kicked the man directly where the bullet was
going and said, "It is the proper way to die."
As a young lad, Chuck Norris' parents warned him of household toxins that
little Chuck should avoid. Proving his superior wit and strength, Chuch then
shattered a thermometer and drank the mercury, ate a handful of lead-filled
paint chips, and chased it all down with a shot of Clorox. Disappointed in his
parents, Chuck roundhoused his dad, and then ripped off his mother's left hand
and bitch slapped her with it. How dare they patronize Chuck Norris!
As compensation for acting as the "Special Enforcer" at the 1994 Survivor
Series, Chuck Norris was later treated to a candlelit dinner for two with none
other than WWF Superstar King Kong Bundy at the trendy French restaurant, Le R
?ve. It was only after a delightful entree of Black Angus tournedos of beef
that Bundy accidentally knocked over his water goblet as he was reaching for
his merlot. The sound of breaking glass and scent of wet tablecloth sent
Norris into a frenzy, causing him to leap across the table and into Bundy's mouth
where he ate him from the inside out.
In prep school Chuck Norris was a master debater, because nothing rebuts a
roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris once did a movie with Clint Eastwood, and there came a
disagreement between the 2 stars. Chuck Norris bent Eastwood over a chair and raped
him. Chuck Norris calls this "tough love".
Chuck Norris got drunk at a bar and passed out. Luckily, his beard called
him a cab, directed the driver to the correct address, and finally roundhouse
kicked its way through Norris' front door. When Chuck awoke the next morning,
he noticed breakfast and the daily paper by his bedside. Chucks beard thanks
god for every day it remains unshaven and continues to recognize who it works
for.
Chuck Norris doesn't put his pants on one leg at a time. He roundhouse kicks
into them.
Chuck Norris invented the Penguin
In one episode of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris actually unhinged his
jaw and swallowed his black partner whole.
Chuck Norris wipes twice without looking at the TP
Chuck Norris's wife died of blood loss after his beard ripped her face off
while they were having sex. When the police showed up to arrest him for her
murder, he kicked their asses, then went to each of their houses and fucked
their wives. And daughters. And mothers. And dogs.
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with George Bush over who loved Texas
more. After Bush was filmed wiping his *** on a DVD of the 4th season of Walker
Texas Ranger, Norris burned Bush's Crawford ranch to the ground and forced
Bush to eat his own family. Alive.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris solved a rubic's cube so fast someone watching exploded
immediately.
Chuck Norris went into a hospital. When they asked him what was wrong,
Norris replied "I've got disco fever," and then he killed eight paramedics.
The title song "Eyes of the Ranger" as sung by Chuck Norris in Walker: Texas
Ranger, was the number one hit in Oslo, Norway for seventeen years straight.
When it dropped to number two, Chuck killed the mayor of Oslo in
retaliation. Needless to say the song rose back up to number one.
rest, he was unconscience after recieving a round house kick to the face for
not making Chuck on day one.
Chuck Norris built the equator to get a leg up on China's "Great Wall."
The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.
Down came the rain and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain,
And Chuck Norris came out and stomped the spider for trying to pull that
---- again.
Chuck Norris wears a mullet wig on weekends just so he can kick the asses of
those who make fun of him.
When Chuck Norris found out that he was not included in Mt.Rushmore, he
wanted to leave his mark somewhere. He then karate chopped the ground and created
the Grand Canyon.
Chuck Norris was the first human being to walk upon the moon. He carved his
body in a combat stance on the dark side of the moon as a warning to aliens.
Chuck Norris once killed a judge and was sent to Alcatraz just to prove he
could escape.
Andacondas can grow up to over 30 feet long, and dislocate their jaws so
they can open thier mouths exeptionaly wide. But they still cant deep throat
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris went to the supermarket to pick up some eggs, but everytime he
touched the eggs, the scrambled themsevles and jumped out of the shell. When
asked by the a beautiful woman how he was able to perform such a feat, Chuck
Norris replied, "I am all that is man." He then stared at her for 5 seconds,
then gave her a roundhouse kick to the face.
An entire episode of Walker, Texas Ranger was shot with the lens cap on.
This made no difference, however, because the light emanating from Chuck Norris'
beard permeated the plastic cap and allowed the camera to see Chuck in all
his glory.
Walker Texas Ranger with Chuck Norris is the original reality-television
show.
Chuck Norris once caught a bullet with his bare hand that was going directly
at a man's face. Everyone who witnessed this event began clapping out of
amazement. Chuck then roundhouse kicked the man directly where the bullet was
going and said, "It is the proper way to die."
As a young lad, Chuck Norris' parents warned him of household toxins that
little Chuck should avoid. Proving his superior wit and strength, Chuch then
shattered a thermometer and drank the mercury, ate a handful of lead-filled
paint chips, and chased it all down with a shot of Clorox. Disappointed in his
parents, Chuck roundhoused his dad, and then ripped off his mother's left hand
and bitch slapped her with it. How dare they patronize Chuck Norris!
As compensation for acting as the "Special Enforcer" at the 1994 Survivor
Series, Chuck Norris was later treated to a candlelit dinner for two with none
other than WWF Superstar King Kong Bundy at the trendy French restaurant, Le R
?ve. It was only after a delightful entree of Black Angus tournedos of beef
that Bundy accidentally knocked over his water goblet as he was reaching for
his merlot. The sound of breaking glass and scent of wet tablecloth sent
Norris into a frenzy, causing him to leap across the table and into Bundy's mouth
where he ate him from the inside out.
In prep school Chuck Norris was a master debater, because nothing rebuts a
roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris once did a movie with Clint Eastwood, and there came a
disagreement between the 2 stars. Chuck Norris bent Eastwood over a chair and raped
him. Chuck Norris calls this "tough love".
Chuck Norris got drunk at a bar and passed out. Luckily, his beard called
him a cab, directed the driver to the correct address, and finally roundhouse
kicked its way through Norris' front door. When Chuck awoke the next morning,
he noticed breakfast and the daily paper by his bedside. Chucks beard thanks
god for every day it remains unshaven and continues to recognize who it works
for.
Chuck Norris doesn't put his pants on one leg at a time. He roundhouse kicks
into them.
Chuck Norris invented the Penguin
In one episode of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris actually unhinged his
jaw and swallowed his black partner whole.
Chuck Norris wipes twice without looking at the TP
Chuck Norris's wife died of blood loss after his beard ripped her face off
while they were having sex. When the police showed up to arrest him for her
murder, he kicked their asses, then went to each of their houses and fucked
their wives. And daughters. And mothers. And dogs.
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with George Bush over who loved Texas
more. After Bush was filmed wiping his *** on a DVD of the 4th season of Walker
Texas Ranger, Norris burned Bush's Crawford ranch to the ground and forced
Bush to eat his own family. Alive.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris solved a rubic's cube so fast someone watching exploded
immediately.
Chuck Norris went into a hospital. When they asked him what was wrong,
Norris replied "I've got disco fever," and then he killed eight paramedics.
The title song "Eyes of the Ranger" as sung by Chuck Norris in Walker: Texas
Ranger, was the number one hit in Oslo, Norway for seventeen years straight.
When it dropped to number two, Chuck killed the mayor of Oslo in
retaliation. Needless to say the song rose back up to number one.
12-14-2005, 11:27 PM
#10
3.0 BAR
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 21,479
Re: The amazing Chuck Norris
Originally Posted by AbaZ
I like to suck ***** like a good Frenchman.
__________________
Best Car Insurance | Auto Protection Today | FREE Trade-In Quote
